Severus Snape and the Laptop Computer
by Elrenia daughter of Elrohir
Summary: Part 3 of the 'Severus Snape and the Muggle Project' series. Severus buys a Laptop Computer. Enough said.


Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling owns all rights to Harry Potter.  
Rated: K+  
Beta'd by: Occasus and Seraphina Snape  
Series: Severus Snape and the Muggle Project  
Summary: Snape buys a Laptop

Severus Snape and the Laptop Computer

After the events of the Lynx and hair dye experiments, Professor Severus Snape had decided that Muggles, the incompetent idiots, must be saved from themselves. Even Potter knew when danger was staring him in the face. So, Snape was going to research. He was going to experiment. He was going to work out how the Muggles made things work, and if they were only dangerous to magical folk.

This was the reason that our esteemed Professor was currently striding down the uneven paving of London's shopping district, searching for any hint of Muggle technology. Aside from the enormous screens proclaiming 'ALWAYS COCA COLA' in red letters. Odd things, these screens. They were very like the self-writing boards the ministry always insisted on using at Quidditch matches, ministry addresses and everything in between. Severus watched as a new message flashed up – _Dell PCs now from only £299.00_.

PC? What was a PC? Looking around, Severus saw several shops also advertising PCs and Laptop computers. Obviously these were either important pieces of Muggle equipment, or they were beginning to overtake society, just like those awful bottles of Lynx. Something had to be done at once!

So, Severus looked through his wallet (a horrible awkward Muggle thing to carry Muggle money in one's pocket) , and found the amount of money advertised on the poster. It was amazing, Severus mused, how much Muggle money one could get from a galleon if you simply went to an antique salesperson. They loved the galleons, muttering things like "obviously pirate gold" and "looks 18th century to me". But that was beside the point. The money, however found, was enough to buy Severus something called an 'Ultra Brand Laptop, designed for Microsoft Windows98 and hardware tested NSTL'. It also ran on 'battery or mains power'. None of this made the slightest bit of sense to Severus, but there had to be a way around it. After all, Severus had left Hogwarts in the top 15 stuents of his year – figuring out a little black box should be easy.

This was his state of mind until he reached Hogwarts and remembered that Muggle appliances did not work on the grounds. Severus collapsed on the sofa in his quarters with a sigh. Why couldn't Muggles just make things _easy_ for once? Eyeing the box in the corner, Severus wondered what to do.

Three hours later found Snape in a dingy building that specialised in Muggle-Magical energy transfer. Snape was pacing back and forth in front of the desk, reflecting that he would feel a lot better about all this if Arthur Weasley didn't head the office. Strange clacking and whirring sounds came from behind the door as he waited. And waited. And waited some more. After several hours, a wizard opened the door, accompanied by a blast of steam and sawdust. How did sawdust come out of a metal appliance? Coming swiftly back down to earth, Snape stood up to talk to the man.

"Ah, this was wonderful fun!" declared the little man with a happy grin. "We've never had a computer before. Anyway, it should work on Hogwarts grounds now. And you won't even need the battery!" Severus eyed the grinning little man with some worry before retrieving the box.

"Thank-you. How much do you expect in payment?" he asked, tucking the box under his arm.

"Twenty-six galleons." The man pronounced with a happy smile. Of course he would be happy, Severus grumbled, counting out gold coins into his hand. He's not the one giving up god-knows how much money to save some stupid Muggles. Still muttering, Severus left the shop and the cheery man waving him off.

"Toodleoo!" The wizard yelled down the street after him. "Come back soon!"

Back at Hogwarts, Severus moved aside a pile of parchment and set the box down on his desk. Digging through the white, fluffy, crinkly stuff surrounding the silver box, Severus dug out his new laptop, setting it on his desk. Taking out the manual, Severus sat down to read.

After twenty minutes, Severus had located the 'on' button. Pressing it, he waited for something to happen. Nothing happened. He looked at the booklet again. 'Press firmly' the instructions read. He tried again. Still nothing. Then again, that weird little wizard had spent an awful long time tinkering with it. Severus withdrew his wand from his sleeve and tapped the laptop sharply. It immediately whirred to life. Severus sighed. Phase 1: Complete.

The manual said that the computer would load automatically, so Severus sat down in front of it to wait. Finally, with a little tune issuing from the tiny speakers, the blue screen came on, along with a line of script. '_Please load Windows__98_'. Severus threw the book down with a growl. What was wrong with it now?

Two trips to London, another visit to the strangely cheerful wizard in the shop and a lemon sherbet later, Severus had located the appropriate disk and Albus Dumbledore, who had decided to tag along.

"Fascinating, Muggle technology," he was saying excitedly. "Look at how they've learned to cope without magic. And so many different things, too. Have you ever tried 'Bop it Extreme'? A wonderful little game. It runs on batteries, you see…"

Conversation continued in this vein for some time. Finally, Severus couldn't stand it anymore and evicted Dumbledore on the grounds that "McGonagall was looking for you earlier. Something about Phoenix transfigurations". The silence had never been so welcome.

With the eviction of the headmaster, Severus attempted to install this Window thing that should really be carried out by a licensed builder, surely. After finding the disk port (twenty minutes), inserting the disk (ten minutes), accidentally breaking the disk (two minutes), buying a new disk (15 minutes, twenty galleons), visiting the muggle-magic transference shop **again** (ten minutes, five galleons), reinserting the disk; carefully and reading the message 'Installation failed', Severus was just about ready to kill something. A knocking came at the door. Or perhaps someone should die rather than the stupid piece of metal which couldn't feel anything.

"Well, Severus, how's the computer coming?"

Dumbledore spent the following afternoon in the hospital wing, trying to explain to Poppy Pomfrey how a door broke his nose. Again.

Meanwhile, Severus cheerfully burnt the laptop computer and wrote his customary letter to the manufacturer.

_Dear Sir or Madam,  
__After testing your product, I have come to the conclusion that the appliance you sell may be too complicated for use by the public. I therefore ask that you either discontinue making these machines from hell, make them less difficult to use or enclose better instructions. I also ask that in future you enclose the Window with the computer itself.  
__Yours Insincerely,  
__Severus Snape_


End file.
